I’m fighting off sadness right now. I just feel so frazzled. The trials of the past month, especially the week before D got home and one particular place where I feel like I TOTALLY failed and missed His will, have taught me, but have also broken me (please forgive my rampant abuse of commas there).
I’m so tired of feeling like a failure when it comes to my house. People offered to do things for us during the worst of it, but I felt I couldn’t let them because my house is such a wreck. Tonight, my favorite aunt & uncle were here to celebrate early Christmas and I was so embarrassed that my house wasn’t clean and neat and perfect like I wanted it. Mind you, my standard of perfection in my house is probably vastly inferior to some, because I’m just happy when things are clean and a tolerable level of junked up. No, we by NO means live in filth, but trying to keep up with basic laundry, dishes, homeschool, bathrooms, organization seems beyond me. I HATE IT. I hate that I’m this old and still can’t keep house. We’ve been married over a decade, I can’t seem to keep things from getting totally piled up.
Yes, I’ve heard of FlyLady. Yes, I would LOVE to do her system. 90% of my problem is failure to keep some semblance of a schedule. Ugh. I make myself so frustrated. I just feel like a failure.
I’m so good at other things. Makes me uncomfortable to type that because it’s so prideful, but it’s true — I am good at some things. Very good at a few things. And I’m so very grateful for those gifts and talents. God definitely gave them to me, and I greatly appreciate them. I’m not ashamed of working in my giftings.
But trying to be transparent about this area of COMPLETE weakness — really, complete FAILURE — is hard. Like, swallowing rocks hard. Probably because I’m pretty convinced that most of the women I know (ok, ALL the women I know) do not struggle in this manner. I’m also convinced of what they’re thinking when they do come to my house. And it’s embarrassing. Now, let me be clear, I’m not foolish enough to believe that all the crap I think about what they’re thinking is true; I’m just saying it’s a mental tape of humiliation I’ve yet to break through.
Add to this housekeeping failure the stress of feeling TOTALLY BEHIND in homeschooling ALL THE TIME.
Also add to this a near constant fatigue — of my own doing. I love to stay up late at night (love, love, love) because selfishly, I get alone time (like right now; it’s 11:31pm). Then I’m exhausted the next morning. When I was disciplined to take the kids on at least a small daily walk, it helped immeasurably. Haven’t done that in a while, so my body and my mind are suffering.
I’m an idiot. I know what helps, but I won’t do it. I SO VERY MUCH appreciate Paul’s “I don’t do the things I want to do, and the things I wish I didn’t do are the things I am doing.”
Ugh.
I hate stuff that makes me hate myself. I’m just tired of being a failure. I’m tired of the gloomy failure feeling oozing over into anger that gets spilled on those I love the most (who bears the brunt of the frustration when I’m running around like a chicken trying to straighten when someone’s coming? oh yeah, the people I’m living with who just happen to be — not strangers or bystanders or renters or moochers, but my own precious children and my husband whom I absolutely adore).
I guess I’m pouring it all out here because, well, I don’t know where else to. LORD, You help us in our weakness, but I can’t begin to understand why You’d want to help me clean up my mess. I don’t even know where to begin to ask You to help me or what kind of help I need to pray for. I just want to not suck at this anymore. I WANT to be the mom and wife and homeschooler and mentor and hostess and friend You have called me to be.
I want to succeed, LORD. In the things that matter most, and in making our home a beautiful sanctuary in atmosphere, I want to succeed. Forgive me if that’s prideful or shameful to ask. I just want to be free.
“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.” Isaiah 43:2





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