Wading through…

I’m fighting off sadness right now.  I just feel so frazzled.  The trials of the past month, especially the week before D got home and one particular place where I feel like I TOTALLY failed and missed His will, have taught me, but have also broken me (please forgive my rampant abuse of commas there).

I’m so tired of feeling like a failure when it comes to my house. People offered to do things for us during the worst of it, but I felt I couldn’t let them because my house is such a wreck.  Tonight, my favorite aunt & uncle were here to celebrate early Christmas and I was so embarrassed that my house wasn’t clean and neat and perfect like I wanted it.  Mind you, my standard of perfection in my house is probably vastly inferior to some, because I’m just happy when things are clean and a tolerable level of junked up.  No, we by NO means live in filth, but trying to keep up with basic laundry, dishes, homeschool, bathrooms, organization seems beyond me.  I HATE IT. I hate that I’m this old and still can’t keep house.  We’ve been married over a decade, I can’t seem to keep things from getting totally piled up.

Yes, I’ve heard of FlyLady. Yes, I would LOVE to do her system. 90% of my problem is failure to keep some semblance of a schedule.  Ugh. I make myself so frustrated.  I just feel like a failure.

I’m so good at other things.  Makes me uncomfortable to type that because it’s so prideful, but it’s true — I am good at some things.  Very good at a few things.  And I’m so very grateful for those gifts and talents. God definitely gave them to me, and I greatly appreciate them. I’m not ashamed of working in my giftings.

But trying to be transparent about this area of COMPLETE weakness — really, complete FAILURE — is hard. Like, swallowing rocks hard.  Probably because I’m pretty convinced that most of the women I know (ok, ALL the women I know) do not struggle in this manner. I’m also convinced of what they’re thinking when they do come to my house. And it’s embarrassing.  Now, let me be clear, I’m not foolish enough to believe that all the crap I think about what they’re thinking is true; I’m just saying it’s a mental tape of humiliation I’ve yet to break through.

Add to this housekeeping failure the stress of feeling TOTALLY BEHIND in homeschooling ALL THE TIME.

Also add to this a near constant fatigue — of my own doing. I love to stay up late at night (love, love, love) because selfishly, I get alone time (like right now; it’s 11:31pm). Then I’m exhausted the next morning.  When I was disciplined to take the kids on at least a small daily walk, it helped immeasurably.  Haven’t done that in a while, so my body and my mind are suffering.

I’m an idiot. I know what helps, but I won’t do it. I SO VERY MUCH appreciate Paul’s “I don’t do the things I want to do, and the things I wish I didn’t do are the things I am doing.”

Ugh.

I hate stuff that makes me hate myself.  I’m just tired of being a failure.  I’m tired of the gloomy failure feeling oozing over into anger that gets spilled on those I love the most (who bears the brunt of the frustration when I’m running around like a chicken trying to straighten when someone’s coming? oh yeah, the people I’m living with who just happen to be — not strangers or bystanders or renters or moochers, but my own precious children and my husband whom I absolutely adore).

I guess I’m pouring it all out here because, well, I don’t know where else to.  LORD, You help us in our weakness, but I can’t begin to understand why You’d want to help me clean up my mess. I don’t even know where to begin to ask You to help me or what kind of help I need to pray for. I just want to not suck at this anymore. I WANT to be the mom and wife and homeschooler and mentor and hostess and friend You have called me to be.

I want to succeed, LORD. In the things that matter most, and in making our home a beautiful sanctuary in atmosphere, I want to succeed.  Forgive me if that’s prideful or shameful to ask. I just want to be free.

“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.” Isaiah 43:2

Thankful, so very, very thankful

I LOVE Thanksgiving. Looking back, it has hosted some of the most memorable events of life: Darren proposed to me on Thanksgiving, we first told our families that we were expecting our first baby on Thanksgiving and on that same Thanksgiving, Darren and a friend of ours fought through the crowds at the local movie theater to buy me movie theater popcorn because for some odd reason, the delicious buttery awfulness actually stayed down — even abated — my horrendous morning (last-all-day) sickness. At a more recent Thanksgiving, we laughed until we cried because my best friend didn’t know that the brandied cranberry sauce she made called for the brandy after the sauce had cooked.

And today, I looked around the table at people I love, I realized that I want *so very badly* to give my children rich traditions and tangible love and a certain faith because of all God’s done for them in their childhood.  I LOVE the Lord and I am SO VERY GRATEFUL for the beautiful life He’s given us — three amazing children, a calling and a purpose, a marriage that is both strong and fun, a family perfectly knit together.

I love Him! And I love all He does, and I so DEEPLY appreciate all He has showered on us thus far!  It’s been a very good, very sweet, very memorable Thanksgiving!

The beauty of daughters

There is something SO sweet about having daughterS — multiple, more than one, sisters, sweethearts.  I have LOVED every moment with my LittleGirl, and seeing her with LittleLove makes it even more precious.

The other night they were both on my lap just giggling at each other.

They already LOVE the sound of each other’s voice, and LittleGirl keeps saying, “I wonder what she’ll sound like when she talks!”  I think they’re both just about to bust buttons excited for that first sister to sister talk in their room! (I can’t wait either — it’s a precious thing to have a sister!)

This is by far the sweetest season we’ve ever known. LittleMan loves and protects his girls fiercely, and LittleLove thinks he’s so fun. LittleGirl is growing every day — she’s not really a little girl much anymore, but I’m having trouble letting that go. And I’m SO grateful to God for how they all love each other and how I get to be a part of this family God keeps shaping and refining with laughter and silliness and sunshine and peace.

The days themselves last so long, but the years are flying by at breakneck speed.

God, give me wisdom to order the very hours aright, grant me a heart of wisdom and the determination of Mary to store up these treasures in my heart. Because I love them and I’m SO grateful for them.

Amen.

Great announcements!

She’s HERE!!!!

Beautiful, healthy, happy, PERFECT… our precious Little Angel arrived mid-July.  And we are CELEBRATING!!!!!

It’s been a whirlwind kind of month, as you can imagine. The first week home was SO SUPER SWEET — Darren wasn’t on the road, we just hung out as a family, enjoyed the fellowship of friends who brought us dinner and most of the time ate it with us, and just loved on each other.

That time just flies too fast

We’re doing SO well, and I wish SO much I had the time and energy to tell you every little detail.  But suffice it to say that we are GRATEFUL to God for His incredible and obvious blessings on our family!

Waiting Still

Ok, if by some chance you are a male and have wandered here, you might want to mosey to another post.  Lots of estrogen here.  I’m 9mos pregnant. Even my husband sometimes has to hug me and step away

Four weeks of “almost” is wearing on me mentally, but I have really enjoyed the family time we’ve had.  We haven’t done much AT ALL.  Lots of backyard, pool, random pajama days, REST.  It has been SOOOOO nice in those respects.  And I’m praying that God will send her SOON so we can enjoy some family time *with* her before Darren has to get back on the road.

So please keep praying. We feel so ready — we’re probably not, there are probably things we need to do, but we’re ready for our baby girl to get here.  LittleBit and LittleMan are both SO excited for her to be here and I just love that.

Here’s hoping TODAY’S THE DAY!!!!!

LORD, please healeth Thou mine unbelief and please send our baby as soon as You will allow! I love You, LORD. Amen.

Rambling

We’re playing the waiting game.  And it’s not my fav pastime, I’ll tell you.  But it DOES give me an amazing opportunity to watch God work.

Yesterday was a HARD day.  Not bad, not particularly demanding, just HARD spiritually.  I felt so weak before Him and had spent some time yesterday morning just “flopping” in front of God with absolutely NOTHING to say, NOTHING to offer.  Sometimes that happens because I’m being whiny, but yesterday, it was because I felt so weak.

And in His mercy, He did not seem to mind

My body’s making progress — contractions here and other things there and sometimes enough that I think maybe I should call the doctor.  But as of yet, we’re just here.  That was hard yesterday.

I called one of my “Jonathans” yesterday morning and she prayed over me and called her aunt after we hung up so they could pray for me.

And yesterday afternoon, I lost it with Darren.  Just dissolved in tears on the bed.  Which was hard, too, because he’d come down with a fever and wasn’t feeling great, but as usual, he was my rock.  He held me and let me cry and reminded me of Truth I needed, AND he made me laugh.  And I needed all of that.

By last night, I’d received texts from 3 different friends whom God had prompted to be praying.  “You’ve been on my mind all day….”  “When is that baby coming? I just had a feeling…” “LORD, give Sarah strength…”  I was so humbled by God’s careful orchestration and by my friends’ obedience when He said “Pray.”

As promised and as no surprise, His mercies are new again this morning.  Darren slept in and seems to be feeling much better, LittleMan is back to normal speed and he and LittleBit cleaned her room so we could move the cradle in.  The kitchen is 50% recovered and the laundry is in process (as always ).  It feels like a better day.  I had a sweet little time in the Word; not going to lie, could have been MUCH longer, but it was great to meet with Him and I loved what He had to say.  And I’m hoping to finish my Beth Moore book (When Godly People do Ungodly Things — Arming Ourselves in the Age of Seduction) because it’s been FABULOUS and I’m in the home stretch.

So, the waiting game doesn’t feel quite as HARD today. He is here. He is in the waiting.  And days from now, when this beautiful new little soul makes her entrance into our world and into our family, these days will fade into barely recallable memories.  I’m so good with that!  Can’t wait for it to happen!

In a matter of days

Your sister will be here.

And both of you will be loving and helping and serving and laughing — it will be BEAUTIFUL.  But it will be different — vastly different.  And while I am excited beyond words at this new soul coming into our home, there is part of me wondering what it will be like to “share” you both in this new way.

So, I want you to know something.  I will ALWAYS love each of you as the *greatest*, most surprising gifts I have EVER received.  I love you dearly — you are each God’s “exceedingly, abundantly, beyond all we can ask or imagine” in my life.  I am literally awed speechless when I get a chance to stop and really SEE each of you — the way sunlight plays on your hair, the unique ways your personalities are reflected in your words.

I don’t doubt that when your sister gets here, I will feel EXACTLY the same way about her; she will be another gift that blows me away in God’s grace and mercy.  But I just need you to know, that no matter how many new gifts God sends into our family, the two of you will ALWAYS be so precious to me, SO LOVED by God and by your Daddy and me, and nothing will ever change the incredible relationship we have together.
I love you both. And I’m SO proud to be your Mama.

IT’S A CONTEST!!!

ClothDiaperTips.com is hosting a contest and giving away a Bummi’s Organic Cotton Diaper Kit valued at $160!  WOW!!!! That is FABULOUS!!!!!!

We did not cloth diaper with LittleBit or LittleMan, and I would really like to make this switch this time around.  It would be GREAT to win a kit that would “jumpstart” us with what we need to do so!

If you’re interested, pop over to the contest page and enter — you can do so on the site, using your blog, and tweeting on Twitter!

Out of the mouths of babes… or 6 year olds

Darren comes home from errands yesterday and Gracie says, “Daddy!  Look how BIG Mommy is!  Baby’s HUUUUUUGE!!!!!”

It was a Kodak moment.

Blathering on into nothing

D’s been gone since Easter afternoon.  He will be home Tuesday at 6am.  I am SERIOUSLY considering meeting him at the airport.  I realize how absurd that is (I could just meet him at the church or wait til he drove home and SLEEP some more), but I am missing him terribly right now.

Ugh… cue tears…

Part of it is that I’m on this odd kinda-sorta-bed-rest thing.  PRAISE GOD, it’s NOTHING severe!  But I’m not supposed to be out and around much.  Or even up and around much.  And I assure you, this has taught me IMMENSE gratitude for my health and NEW appreciation for my freedom of movement.

I miss my kids.  Yes, they’re still at home with me, but because I’m couch bound, we haven’t been doing as much together.  And I haven’t been cooking or cleaning or laundering or anything normal in the past 48 hours.  (You can imagine what my house looks like.  FlyLady is due here any minute, I’m sure.)

Basically… I’m just Eeyore at the moment.

It’s exacerbated by the fact that I jumped right back into some sin I should have stayed well out of.  Blech.  Hate that.  Forgiveness is a beautiful thing, but stupidity smells like day-old dumpster.

It won’t last.  God is SO good!  And I’m really tired, so that’s a lot of it too, I’d imagine.  A combination of off-notes for a cacaphony of dysfunction.  But tomorrow is a new day.  And His Hope springs — Eternal!

Just going to end here.  Time to rest and trust.    Go0dnight!