My $.02

I was always that kid who worked so, so hard to keep this beautifully organized “system” in school.  You know… we were in 5th grade… we had our TrapperKeepers (if you don’t know what that is, I don’t want to know how young you are)… we had those nifty school planners… and we had our multicolored highlighters our teachers were enthusiastically teaching us to use in the endless pursuit of “strong study skills” to support “the new math” (as it turns out, I wasn’t particularly strong at anything new).

So, day after day, I pored over my class notes, carefully dividing and codifying each one in flourescent pink, neon yellow, and chartreuse green.  I would hole punch the handouts we’d been given, place them between pages to correspond with our notes, and use paperclips to secure them.  I then separated each subject into its own colored folder, and put them in order of our day’s subjects.  By the time I was done, my notebook had its own halo; it was perfectly organized, beautifully color-coded, excellently arranged — and empty.

You see, in all that fuss, I’d made things very neat and tidy — worked REALLY hard at it, because I’m not naturally a neatie — and left every homework assignment completely undone.  Oh, they were in there; marvelous worksheets given by well meaning teachers and now sitting so handily among the appropriate notes, but woefully incomplete.

I had worked SO hard to make it look right, make it pretty and useful and easy, that I had missed the most important part — doing the work.

And I’m looking around the Christian block of the blogosphere right now (especially as it relates to and about women), and it feels like that’s what we’re doing — making everything look right and leaving the work.  There has been SOOOO much discussion as of late about whether women should/should not be included in public ministry, how fulfilling motherhood really is, and how theologically accurate we can be in an effort to be iron sharpening iron to other sisters and examples to younger ladies. 

AGAIN, these are my thoughts — they are NOT criticisms of well meaning, far more educated Moms/scholars; these thoughts are MY OWN wrestlings!

Maybe there’s something to be said for straining at gnats and swallowing flies (or the older, far wiser specks and planks version).  Maybe in our efforts to prove perfectly Biblically correct, we’ve missed the Perfect One.  Maybe in my own comfort zone’s outrage at certain thoughts I’ve missed God’s calling to move past it.

Here’s the thing for me — I really, really enjoy “healthy debate” about the Word; however, it is much easier for me to continue to scramble for verses to support whatever I’m thinking, relying on what/how I’ve been taught before rather than accepting that “meat” may mean “change.”  And then, after I’ve very comfortably found all my favorite verses, used KJV with Strong’s to find menaings of words, consulted Edwards, Henry and Hitchcock, and prayed for new insight, I feel so satisfied.  But I (personally) have to be careful that my satisfaction is in Him, not in my ability to understand Him.  That’s just me.

I really struggle not to get so caught up in being “right” that I miss being “righteous.”  Let me explain:  I’ve spent a lot (read as A LOT) of time studying what it means to be a homeschooler.  Now, I hear you — “What does THAT mean anyway?!?!  There’s no such thing as ‘a’ homeschooler! We’re all different!”  Yes, that’s true — every homeschool family IS different.  But coming into this, it seemed like there were some expectations — I wouldn’t work outside the home, we would have a plethora of materials, we would find learning opportunities even at the grocery store bathroom, I would mill wheat & bake bread… ok, we’re both laughing now, right?  But to a new homeschooler, there REALLY were things that felt like expectations.  And I REALLY wanted to do everything right.  But it took some time to realize that just because lots of homeschoolers in my area do the “bread thing” doesn’t mean all of them do, just because some of my closest hs’ing friends have entire rooms devoted to studies doesn’t mean we will, and just because my best friend stays home all day everyday in her homeschooling doesn’t mean I’m less because I still work with the homeschool association.  I had to grow up into this, it didn’t dawn on me immediately, no matter how many times someone said, “It’s ok! Do what’s right for YOUR family!” I couldn’t hear their words because I was too busy trying to do what they were doing!

Let me use that experience as a rough example of what it feels like to me and (from what I’m reading) to other women when all us chicks in the hen house get worked up about ruling the roosts and the roosters who rule.  Here’s a thought — let’s say there’s a woman who has been teaching a mixed Bible study for ten years.  That’s right, mixed — men and women.  Let’s say I pull her aside one day and show her EVERY verse I know that says she SHOULDN’T be doing that.  Now honestly — is that going to stop her right there???  And can we PLEASE not fall back on the pat answer, “Well, the Word of God can change someone immediately!”  That’s right, THE WORD can — my exclusive presentation of the Word CANNOT.  So, Bible-study-Lady goes on studying the Word and teaching from it.  Where is the bigger opportunity for a change?  In MY expounding to her what God has to say or God Himself saying it to her through her careful consideration of His Word at His feet in prayer?  (Trust me, I know me, and anything with me ain’t the answer) And what is it to me, exactly, if she NEVER hears what I think she should be hearing???

That being said, I just do not understand why so many are up in a dander about this.  It’s one of the primary reasons I really HATE theological discussions; so often, the “study-of-God” turns into a disunifying “talk-around-God.”  Like He’s three years old and we have the freedom to talk about His most important characteristics in front of Him, but in the third person:  “Well, I read what He said and it’s clear He meant THIS….”  “I went back to the ____ Bible Dictionary with Greek and Hebrew and it clearly said…”  I often wonder if God knits His eyebrows together and says, “I’M RIGHT HERE!   And did you catch the part where I told you that My ways are higher than your ways? Why don’t you just ASK Me???“

Now, please know that I am not approaching this as jus Suzy-Says-A-Lot.  I am well educated; and my field of expertise lends itself to said doctrinal debates.  I know my stuff, folks; I’m just not sure I (or anyone else) should presume too much to know all of God’s.

I don’t mean any disrespect WHATSOEVER, but I do feel like some of this is simply a waste of time.  We (and I most definitely include myself!) spend so much time and energy trying to figure everything out perfectly so that somehow we can perfectly obey God that we miss the opportunity to actually participate in the obeying.  We get wrapped up in traditions made of men — from important things like women’s roles to whether or not drums are an appropriate Sunday morning instrument — and I really believe Satan couldn’t be happier.  If we’re busily showing each other “the RIGHT way” then we’ve far less time to be loving unbelievers toward THE ONLY WAY.

Undoubtedly, these wonderings of mine are offensive to some not only for their content, but because I didn’t support them with Scripture references.  You know, (cue my grandmother’s voice)“If your opinion can’t be followed by a verse number, then you don’t need to say it.”  But let me tell you, I FELT NO FREEDOM to look up verses on this one.  Not tonight.  Because standing before God, I can honestly say that everything I’m saying here is simply that — what I am saying, what I am wrestling with, what I am concerned about.  There is no great Heavenly endorsement on this one — just my own working out of my faith, appropriate fear and trembling accompanying.

LORD, Holy Jehovah God,

It is, in many ways, frightening to stand before You as the lightning is flashing and the thunder growling outside my window.  I feel very alone before You, Sovereign Lord.  Am I doing this all right?  Am I the example I’m called to be to younger women?  Am I serving in roles that honor You and Your Word?  Am I truly praying for and working towards unity in my corner of the world?

And Father God,
it is hard to ask, but am I *enjoying * making a point?  God, am I really as guilty as I look/feel right now of flexing my mental muscles supposedly for the “edification of the Body,” but in reality for the benefit of feeling like I have special insight or greater maturity?  And Father, when I dedicated this blog to You, in my very first entry, did You see ahead to this week and know that my heart — and unfortunately my words — would be far more ABOUT You than WITH You?  LORD, FORBID IT SO!

Holy God,
there is NO point I could ever prove to myself or anyone else that would ever be as important or as relationship with You. Father, I keep coming back to the fact that You often ask the unthinkable — a man to literally, physically strap his child down to kill him, another to marry a completely unfaithful prostitute, a teenage girl to carry a baby that would initially drive a wedge between her and her fiancee, a woman to completely leave behind a life of fornication to face a world of people just waiting for her to stumble and sin no more.  God, You NEVER disown Yourself — there is no shadow or turning with You — but the way I understand You is through a painfully narrow shaft of prism light; in my tiny view, You would never ask a child’s life as sacrifice nor would You set up a daughter to be questioned and eyed for the rest of her life.  But that is my tiny view; it is obviously not Yours, and I am so grateful…

… for in my tiny view, no one would ever send an innocent man to die a hideous, vengeful death on an instrument of torture marked with another’s name; no Creator would ever allow Himself to be “trampled over” and disrespected by His creation; no Sovereign Father would allow His children to spit in His face — literally as He walked among to heal them and figuratively as He reached down to guide them…

Thank You for Your perfect view, that in every facet of prism light, Your ways are perfect, Your law is delightful, and Your commands are not burdensome.

I praise You, Father, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works ARE wondeful, my soul knows that quite well.  As such, You know my frailties, that I am but dust, so please teach me that I may be a willing vessel rather than unwatered dirt.  I want to listen, I want to obey; though the spirit is willing and the flesh is weak, it is YOU Who controls all.  You are the Potter, I am merely Your anxiously-awaiting-the-finishing clay.

And once again, I do not, do NOT, deserve You.

Thank You, and amen.

A declaration of His faithfulness!

God just SHOWED UP this week!

Not that He doesn’t show up every week, in every moment, but there are just times when He is SO clear that it nearly bowls me over.  I summed it up in an earlier entry: “In one week, my estranged father came to visit, one of my living heroes of the faith fell in a way both horrifying and public, two of my dearest students made decisions that could have ended their lives, my estranged father came to visit, my niece and nephew were exposed to drugs — in their classrooms, the truck our niece uses broke down forty minutes away from home, my husband and I are struggling through trials we never dreamed we’d face, and we accidentally hit my dad’s rental car on the way down the driveway last night on the way to dinner.”

I was laid out.

But for once, I just, shut up.  That was hard for me.  I’m not a shutter-upper.  I’m a talk-a-lotter.

And GOD SHOWED UP!  There are some circumstances that have been miraculously healed and answered — D’s work is giving us a bonus we weren’t supposed to get until October, my dad’s visit has been peaceful, our trucks are both completely fine, our insurance will take care of the rental car bump.  There are some that are still in great need of prayer, and I’m still laying prostrate about them.

But my God is MOVING and ACTIVE and I am just SOOOO relieved that He taught me “I am your very great Reward” this week.  I couldn’t have survived on anything else.

earnest thanks

LORD,

You showed up.

Mightily.

And You certainly didn’t have to.

There are some circumstances that have been miraculously healed and answered — we’re getting the bonus early, dad’s visit has been peaceful, our trucks are both completely fine, our insurance will take care of the rental car bump.  There are some that are still in great need of prayer, and I’m still laying prostrate before You about them.

It’s a good place to be.

Father, THANK YOU for hearing me, for accepting my prayer; for doing exceedingly and abundantly beyond all I could ask or imagine; thank You for the love You give me when I desperately need it, and couldn’t deserve it.  You are the Holy One of Israel, You are One.  You light the path with Your Word and You grant sleep to those You love.  You show Yourself mighty to save and searching for the righteous.  You long to bring Your children home and Your hand is NEVER too short to save.

Thank You for showing up today.

I am awed by Your presence, that You would come to sup with me.

The God of all the universe came to rescue me today.

Oh, praise Your Name!  Thank You, God. I don’t deserve You.  But I sure do love You.

Amen.

Declaration of faith

“In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing.” Job 1:22

“The LORD has heard my cry for mercy; the LORD accepts my prayer.”  Psalm 6:9

In one week, my estranged father came to visit, one of my living heroes of the faith fell in a way both horrifying and public, two of my dearest students made decisions that could have ended their lives, my estranged father came to visit, my niece and nephew were exposed to drugs — in their classrooms, the truck our niece uses broke down forty minutes away from home, my husband and I are struggling through trials we never dreamed we’d face, and we accidentally hit my dad’s rental car on the way down the driveway last night on the way to dinner.

So there are somethings I need to say — as an act of faith, not because I feel like it or don’t feel like it, to remind myself and anyone or anything listening that I serve a Mighty God:

HIS strength is made perfect in MY weakness.  I am laid out; incapable; and it doesn’t matter.  This battle is NOT mine, but God’s.  He who formed me says, “Fear not, for I have redeemed you, I have summoned you by name.”  None of this will be resolved by strength of man or beast or machine, but by His Spirit, the LORD has said.  At the mighty Name of Jesus, every knee will bow and every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord to the glory of God the Father.  So, I rest because these light and momentary troubles are NOTHING compared to the riches and beauty and peace that awaits us in His presence.  We ARE hard pressed, but we are NOT crushed; we ARE persecuted, but we are NOT abandoned; we ARE struck down, but we are NOT destroyed.

So, no matter what this temporal feels like, I WILL PRAISE HIM.  I WILL GLORIFY HIS NAME.  Because He who has called me is able, and He will do it — He has done it: everything that we have accomplished, He has done for us; that which He has started, no one can stop; nothing and no one can take us out of His hand.

I praise His name.  I worship the Lord God Almighty because He is worthy.  I am grateful this is not, repeat, THIS IS NOT MY HOME.  The LORD GOD REIGNS, He is God of all creation and undoubtedly God of these circumstances.

He who has called you is ABLE and HE WILL DO IT.

“This good day, it is a gift from You…”

Thank you, Fernando Ortega for the perfect expression to sum up this day!  It has truly been a wonderful week; I never expected that our first week of homeschooling would go so, so well!  Gracie told us tonight after dinner, “I don’t ever want to go back to school; I just want to stay home and do school with Mommy.”  It made me teary; D was obviously touched as well.  Now, please understand that “school” is the 3-day a week preschool program at a nearby church that only goes for 3 hours a morning (and serves as a great thing for her and Itty Bitty the morning I’m teaching with the homeschool group).

Can I tell you how much I love — LOVE — this stage with her???  4 is a PHENOMENAL age!  She’s a real little person — she can articulate her opinions, ask indepth questions, make jokes, enjoy herself with anyone — it’s just so cool!  I love it!

Ok… going to go to bed EARLY tonight.  My sleep schedule is still off, and my “second wind” at midnight or 1am doesn’t help.  So I’m going to stop… and before I sleep, Lord, thank You SOOOOOO much for this amazing week!  Holy God, I could NEVER deserve all that You’ve done for us, “All that we have accomplished, YOU have done for us.”  Thank You for teaching me the simple profundities — it’s the memories of home and family that surround us; it’s the time we spend with those we love that shapes us in Your love; it’s the glorious warmth of home that gives us courage to brave the wild outside and not be swayed by victory or defeat.  Jesus, thank You for the gift of Home, and the undeserved blessing of creating it for someone else!

Our first sick day

G never gets sick.

Never.

And yesterday evening, on the way home from church, I dashed into the drugstore to buy decongestant for the first time in ages.  AGES I tell you.

But this morning, we got to go to school anyway!  Somehow, we just weren’t as worried about spreading germs at the kitchen table that I wipe down fifty times a day.  So we prayed and read, counted and colored, read some more, prayed some more, learned a new verse and used our abacus — it was MARVELOUS!!!

We had just the BEST time!  I absolutely LOVE homeschooling!  Admittedly I wondered how preschool teachers ever did it; I wonder still how homeschooling parents do it.  But today, I think I got hold of the answer:  one child at a time, one day at a time, one subject at a time, one book at a time, one page at a time, one smile at a time, one prayer at a time, one moment at a time.

Thank You, God for this love You give!  We praise Your name for Who You are and all You do!!!

We DID it!

What an AMAZING day!!!

God, I just PRAISE YOU for an amazing first day!!!

After dropping Little Man off, we came home to our kitchen table.

We pledged our allegiance to the flag, opened our children’s daily Bible, and began our home school.

We read Genesis 1:1-13 of how the Lord created the Heavens and the earth.

We counted and colored and matched during math.  Using art supplies, we decorated leaves we’d picked from our tree on the way into the house; we talked about how God made them, how they grow, and compared which of the three was biggest, smallest.  We studied their color and made a “necklace” with two of them.

We worked on long tall lines as we practiced handwriting skills, and Little Girl surprised me completely when she continued a pattern of short horizontal lines with incredible accuracy — with no dashes to follow either!

We read a Dick and Jane reader and talked about every detail we could find in it.  Then we logged onto Noggin and played Oobi’s letter and rhyming games.

It was an absolute JOY!  But the best of all,

LITTLE GIRL MEMORIZED HER FIRST MEMORY VERSE!!!!

She said it PERFECTLY for her Daddy!  We’ve been working on a passage for literally two years — she’s four — and today, she was able to quote the entire passage:

“Hear O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is One!
Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your sould, and with all your strength.
Love your neighbor as yourself.”

Since Jesus Himself taught us that all the law and the prophets hang on those two commands, that seemed most appropriate when I prayed years ago what to teach Little Girl for her first memory verse.  Today, after two years of working, she was able to do the entire passage from memory!!!  I am SOOO proud!!!! She is just AMAZING!!!

And tonight, when we celebrated her First Memory Verse, her almost 3 year old brother was able to do most of the passage alone, as well!  My husband and I were stunned and humbled by the Lord’s grace to our children.

Thank You, God, for the gift of G&S.  Oh how we LOVE them!  And we long for them to love You!  Thank You for the most amazing day, for the gift of Your Word, and for its power to keep us close to You and far from sin.  Jesus, we don’t deserve You, but we are SO grateful for Your love!

We start TOMORROW!

That’s right!  We begin our Homeschooling Adventure tomorrow!

It’s our official start date for my sweet 4 year old daughter!  HOORAY!

So here’s what I’m thinking tonight:

She cannot possibly be old enough for school, can she?  The smell of her sweet baby breaths against my neck, the feel of her little downy head in my hand, the sound of little lip smacks and tiny sighs — they are all freshly in my mind, as though the bassinet was still up beside my bed.

I remember her wobbly-toddle over to see baby brother when we got home from the hospital; the funny little grin as she heard him yawn and the sweet kiss she planted on top of his head.  She seemed so big at 15 months, compared to this new one, and I fear so often I expected her to “grow up” because he needed the attention that had been hers alone.

And now, she’s 4.

I might have to cry a little.  Maybe even a lot.

Now, I know, and keep reminding myself, that we’ve “done school” forever.  We’ve read books, done letter puzzles, practiced counting, looked at spiders and trees and leaves, cut up paper, colored in books, stacked up blocks, and labeled maps.

But somehow, this feels “for real.”  It’s different.  And while I’m very, VERY excited for both of us to join the surging, encouraging, Narrow-Way of Believers who learn at home, I’m also anxious — am I going to do a good job?  Will I be able to stay focused every day in order for her to learn the way she should (and wants to)?  I’m not a schedule person; I’m a moderately lazy discouraged perfectionist who doesn’t like to do anything in a messy house — including clean it.  Am I going to be able to set aside “ME” enough to focus on “HER”?  Oh, Lord Jesus… help us all…

So, I look to His Word yet again… going over to Biblegateway now to read afresh what I’ve already heard…

Philippians 4:6-7 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

I Peter 5:6-7 “Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time.  Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.”

Lord God Almighty,

PRAISE YOUR NAME!  You are Holy and Righteous, You are truly the ONLY Good Teacher, Father.  Thank You  for the privilege of living in a land where it is both my privilege and my pleasure to train my sweet children to serve You — in my home!  “… such knowledge is too wonderful for me…”
God, there is NOTHING in me that is capable of doing this right.  My heart is set on whatever is new or fun or different — and You are asking me to be still and quiet before You; to humble myself so that my children may learn.  So, Father, I repent of making their learning about my teaching — it is about You, Lord, and their individual relationships with You.
You are the Author and Perfector of our faith; You are the One True God.  Fill us with YOUR knowledge and understanding; we lay our desires before You, asking that Your commands may be sweet as honey on the comb to our lives.
God, I give You the pressure I feel.  I ask You to forgive me for my laziness.  I give You my fears of failure and my expectations of perfection, both for myself and for my sweet baby girl.  I lay my lack of curriculum, lack of ability, excitement over everything, lack of planning, lack of follow through, abundance of self before You as chaff — burn it up, Lord.  That is hard to pray, but I do so need You desperately.  Please give this journey YOUR power; it will never get done in mine.
Thank You for giving wisdom without finding fault, thank You for creating in me a clean heart and renewing a steadfast spirit within me.  Thank You for loving me, much in spite of my pride and in a way that will purge it.
I love You, Lord Jesus!
Amen.

Daddy’s coming home today!!!!!

 It’s 10am… D gets in at 2pm… and we are READY!

Many of this summer’s runs have been three day weekend treks; Little Bit and Itty Bitty have LOVED having Daddy home more — there’s more rolling in the floor, more running around outside, and just more laughs in general.  What is it about Daddy that just makes little ones giggle infectiously?  Between now and 2pm, we’re going to pick up, clean up, do laundry and try to keep ourselves from looking at the clock every 5 minutes!

It’s pride that makes me fret

Today, I found myself searching Scripture in response to a marvelous post by Holly over at Choosing Home; her post was phenomenal and drove me to the Word to further remind myself that the kind of worship God desires has NOTHING to do with the kind of service I would design.

But much to my surprise, God didn’t really want to use that post to teach me about varying acts of worship.  He wanted to teach me about my marriage.

In 2 Samuel 6:14-23, David is so elated by the return of the Ark of the Covenant that he sheds his royal robes and dons a simple ephod to dance what appears wildly and worshipfully before the LORD.  His wife, Michal, was none too thrilled.

“As the ark of the LORD was entering the City of David, Michal daughter of Saul watched from a window. And when she saw King David leaping and dancing before the LORD, she despised him in her heart.”

Michal “despised him in her heart.”  When I read the Matthew Henry Commentary on this passage, I was shocked — and nauseated — because I found myself there:

“Even the palaces of princes are not exempt from domestic troubles. David had pleased all the multitude of Israel, but Michal was not pleased with his dancing before the ark. For this, when he was at a distance, she scorned him, and when he came home she scolded him. She was not displeased at his generosity to the people, nor did she grudge the entertainment he gave them; but she thought he degraded himself too much in dancing before the ark. It was not her covetousness, but her pride, that made her fret.”

Ohhhhh my…. there I am.  Even the homes in Atlanta are not exempt from doemstic troubles… it is my pride that makes me fret.  I’m going out on a limb — for all of cyberspace to see, really — and admit that I, too, have self-righteously poured contempt on my husbands offerings.

“What a fool’’ (thinks she) “does my husband make of himself now! How fond is he of this ark, that might as well have lain still where it had lain for so many years! Much devotion has almost made him mad.’’ Note, The exercises of religion appear very mean in the eyes of those that have little or no religion themselves.

Thank you, Matthew Henry, for allowing God to use you to bring home the truth of what a lack in respect looks like.  How many times have I, without respect, graciousness, or appreciation, spurned what my husband was doing in favor of what I felt was a better way or a better goal?  And looking back on those, how many times did that happen when I personally had little or no fellowship with Him at all?  I can coincide nearly every embarrassing, humiliating, and devastating breech on my part to a time without an active fellowship with my Father God. 

“The exercises of religion appear very mean in the eyes of those that have little or no religion themselves.”

Oh, Lord!

Give me an active walk with You that I may share a walk with him!

And as though her disdain wasn’t enough, Michal went on.  David came home, Scripture says, to bless his family.  He had already blessed the people of the nation, and now he wanted to share that with those he loved most.  Right there, I have strong desire to “upbraid” Michal (as Henry would’ve said) because I’m painfully aware — as are all in full-time ministry — that there ARE leaders whose best is CONTINUALLY poured out to those outside their home rather than within it.  David wasn’t that leader; he came to bless his own as well — perhaps saving the best for last? — and who should meet him at the door but Bitterness Personified:

“When David returned home to bless his household, Michal daughter of Saul came out to meet him and said, ‘How the king of Israel has distinguished himself today, disrobing in the sight of the slave girls of his servants as any vulgar fellow would!’”

That’s right, she’s NAGGING!  Solomon was right, there is NOTHING new under the sun.  I am ashamed, ladies, ASHAMED to tell you that I have been Michal!  SO MANY TIMES!

He walks in the door from having poured out his time, talent, effort, and ability before the Lord and His people, and I meet him wtih a litany of inconveniences and irritations and general contempt for what he’s done because in MY mind it wasn’t done right, I could have done it better, or I simply would have done differently.

Possibly more frightening, he walks in the door from his offering and I simply despise him in my heart silently; allow the petty nature of “my rights” and “my gifts” stand between myself and communion with my most important human relationship, my primary spiritual leadership.

“When he came home in the very best disposition she began to upbraid him, and was so full of disdain and indignation that she could not contain till she had him in private, but went out to meet him with her reproaches.”

From the time she saw David from her window perch until he walked in the door, Michal seethed.  David worshipped and she wallowed.  David celebrated and she adjudicated.  David walked in to bless, Michal rushed out to berate.

Michal doesn’t just tell him she’s angry, she belittles him!  She throws the proverbial wet blanket on the biggest historical event the nation knew to date — one her husband was chosen by God to accomplish — by humiliating his position and questioning his leadership.

It is at this moment I would like — no, love — to digress on how flagrantly Michal violated our command to submit, honor, and respect our husbands.  It would be far, FAR more comfortable to vilify Michal than to admit my parallel.  But the truth is, I see myself standing in that doorway; I hear my own cynical pride and biting sarcasm; I feel the heat of my own burning brow; I smell the fire of rage burning in my own bosom.

No, no stones at Michal from here.

“Her contempt of him and his devotion began in the heart, but out of the abundance of that the mouth spoke.”

It is physically painful to read Henry’s words.  That could be my OWN name referenced by “she.”

“That which displeased her was his affection to the ark, which she wished he had no greater kindness for than she had…”

And there it is.  She did not care to be outdone by her own husband, just as I do not care to be outdone by mine.

It is here — on the front porch, in the entry way of their home as David returns from worship — that one must wonder, “Where was Michal during the procession, anyway?”  Why was the wife of the king — who was, herself, the daughter of a king — not present at this most important historical and spiritual event???????

In my own life, it begs the question, why am I at home when he is worshipping through service?  Why am I piddling at household projects when there are opportunities to invite my children into the fellowship of active, laboring believers?  Why is the slated service time, in my opinion, “enough” for my family and all my husband does “too much”?  Why am I selfish???  Why am I the jealous older brother, the later David who remained home when kings went off to war only to be tempted by Bathsheba, still worldly in my conduct?

“David said to Michal, ‘It was before the LORD, who chose me rather than your father or anyone from his house when he appointed me ruler over the LORD’s people Israel—I will celebrate before the LORD. I will become even more undignified than this, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes. But by these slave girls you spoke of, I will be held in honor.’”

Speaking the truth in love — not in retaliation or defensiveness — David makes his declaration: “I will celebrate before the LORD.”  Michal’s rebuke will not deter him; but I suspect it disappointed him.  As Henry points out, Michal  “showed her[self] to have more of Saul’s daughter in her than of David’s wife or Jonathan’s sister.”

Oh, Dear Jesus, I am too much the Michal, and not enough the Jonathan to this man.

God laid it on my heart at the beginning of the ministry adventure my husband is in now that challenges to the group and *****s in the armour would come most targetedly from those of us in “the inner circle” — spouses, dearest friends, family.  The blows of a friend sting hardest.  And perhaps their discouragements seem most legitimate and therefore effective.

Though written for a different time, I wonder how applicable David’s words in Psalm 55 are for this encounter with Michal?

“If an enemy were insulting me,
I could endure it;
if a foe were raising himself against me,
I could hide from him

But it is you, a man like myself,
my companion, my close friend,

with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship
as we walked with the throng at the house of God.”

Dear Lord, how many times has my husband had to make his declaration to serve You, standing by himself in contradition to this false help-meet’s selfish demands?

David’s vow to become even more undignified, even to humiliate himself in his own eyes, echoes that which Christ Himself taught us — in order to save our lives, we must lose them; in order to lose our lives, we need only try to save them in our own frail strength, bound by time, short-sightedness, and complete lack of power.

So, Dear LORD, is this what You would have me learn?  That I must stop trying to save my life(style) and simply abandon to You in the form of whatever adventure his ministry entails?  That as I try to save face, save time, save resource, save self, I am only losing that which You designed to be fulfillment of all those things?

That as I try to preserve “me” I am assuredly losing “he”?

God, forbid it be so!

“Let us never be driven from our duty by the fear of reproach; for to be steady and resolute in it will perhaps turn to our reputation more than we think it will. Piety will have its praise.”

Lord, it truly IS my pride that causes me pause in jumping into Your will along with my husband.  It is my sense of entitlement that drags me away to be tempted in this.  Father, would you please continue to burn off the dross of selfish ambition and vain conceit?  Jesus, You died to purge those vices from me; forbid that I should return to that which cost You blood to rid.

“And Michal daughter of Saul had no children to the day of her death.”

I have already been MORE than blessed with children of my own; I cannot imagine being stricken without ever seeing their faces or hearing their laughter or drying their tears.  But I am not naive to know that I am only Sarah’s daughter as I follow her example, and I will only have spiritual daughters and sons as my own example is one to follow.  May I not lose the blessing of (what Beth Moore calls) spiritual progeny — especially within my own home, among my own precious children — to the barrenness of pride.

Jesus, once again, I have nothing to offer You. You are the ONLY good in me.  Please forgive me and wash me clean.  Please teach me to love him more, respect him visibly, enjoy him constantly, minister with him consistently.  You alone are God, and You alone are good.

Amen.