I need to lay this down

I’m going to paste here a portion of an email I sent a friend of mine.  She and I, and a bunch of our other friends, spent yesterday evening and night praying for a sweet family with two young children; the mother passed away in the wee hours of this morning after a valiant fight against breast cancer.  She was only 41.

There are times I pray for others’ and can do so “strongly” and with sympathy and compassion, but don’t feel personally, emotionally impacted.  This is not one of those times.  This week, it’s felt personal.  And gutwrenching.  And frighteningly close.

These are the words that fell out:

“The weight of these kinds of trials is breathtaking.  Even what’s happening with M’s dad; how one of God’s warriors could be so very ill and such a godly family walk through such horrendous trials; it leaves me speechless.  I am humbled by His hand, and I fight being scared of Him. I won’t lie — I love Jesus dearly and I *know* that He is sovereign and I understand that suffering is part of life; but it’s the fact that I *know* what He’s capable of… that’s my prayer of late, Lord, let me not be ruled by fear, but by respect.  Respect is what I give my husband — because I love him, because I know he loves me, because I know that at any moment he could choose something that would change our lives completely — but he would only choose what he knew to be good.  Lord, let that be my respect for You and Your awesome power.”

Ya’ll, on some level, I’m torn up.  It’s been a summer of harsh realities; situations that hit far closer to home than we’d like.  And, again, I won’t lie, I find myself fighting anger and fear.

Then I look back.  I look back to the days and weeks just before my Mama died.  People were saved.  Families were changed.  Life was different — in a very peaceful sort of way.  I know the peace of God that passes understanding; I just frankly don’t want to need to be there again.

Oh, and I’d like to relearn grammar apparently, too.

Is that wrong?  Is that selfish?  Is it shallow that I am quite happy with my beautiful home, two children, amazing husband, and our suburban life? I’ve read Piper’s Don’t Waste Your Life, I know this wasn’t a life meant to be comfortable, and I’m scared even giving breath to these thoughts, but unless I can release this hold on what I *expect* of a Holy God and *embrace* Who He is over what He does, well…  I will never grow any deeper in my walk.

I don’t want that.  I don’t want that at all.

So, yes, I’m going to cry through my prayers again tonight.  This sweet family faces an interesting challenge tomorrow:  their first day without her.  The first full day she never got to see.  And we have several other friends who are facing losses and illnesses and unfathomable decisions.  Yes, there will be tears tonight.  And probably for the next few nights.

But I will count this heaviness as *joy* because I have Someone to take it to.  It is an honor to bear one another’s burdens, fulfilling the law of Christ and encouraging while it is still called today.  And I while I don’t “feel” like there’s anything I can do for these sweet friends, I *know* Whom I have believed and am persuaded that HE IS ABLE.

Even if I don’t get to make a chicken casserole, He is able.  Nice to know.  Assuages my Baptist guilt.

Seriously, it’s so much easier to make dumb jokes than feel the full impact of what we’ve seen.  But my God, Who supplies ALL needs according to HIS riches in Glory, is big enough to handle the pain they are each experiencing, and my questions as tears hit my pillow too.

Holy God, You know my heart.  There aren’t words.  I choose the garment of praising You instead of the spirit of heaviness.  You are Worthy; the Fairest of 10,000; Alpha and Omega, the Author of our faith and the One who will complete all good works You have begun in us.  You are to be praised, Father.  As M says, if we woke up with a headache every day for the rest of our lives and You never did another thing for us, You would still be all-deserving of praise for Who You are.  And I am humbled and thank You that such is not the case; we see Your goodness and kindness in the land of the living and know that the death of Your saints is *precious* to You.  You hem us in, behind and before; such knowledge is too wonderful, too lofty for me to grasp.

I love you, Jesus.  I don’t deserve You, but oh how I love You.

Amen.

“Big Enough”

by Ayiesha Woods

You turned water into wine – how extraordinary
Gave sight to the blind – and still I carry
My own load when you told me
To take your yoke ‘cause yours is easy

And I don’t wanna box you in
You’ve been doing big things since the world began
Sometimes I just don’t wanna believe
That you’re big enough – but you’re big enough

I don’t wanna box you in
You’ve been doing big things since the world began
Sometimes I just don’t understand that you’re big enough
But you’re big enough Jesus

You turned darkness into light – keep my lamp burning
And you are my everything
There’s no denying, your love is so amazing
And even though my problems seem typical
Nothing for you is ever too difficult
You never have reservations – love without limitations

And I don’t wanna box you in
You’ve been doing big things since the world began
Sometimes I just don’t wanna believe
That you’re big enough – but you’re big enough yeah!

Oh, no matter how I try to get around it – I’m reminded
Wherever I go I’m totally surrounded
It’s all about you – I can never doubt you
Even if I wanted to…

And I don’t wanna box you in
You’ve been doing big things since the world began
Sometimes I just don’t wanna believe
That you’re big enough – but you’re big enough yeah!

WFMW — Linen storage

We’ve been married for 11 years. Over those 11 years, we’ve accumulated a shockingly extensive supply of linens. The good news is that we use them quite frequently with all our family and friends who come to stay! The bad part for several years was trying to find a way to store the sheets so that sets would stay together — or, at the least, no one would have to sleep with two fitted sheets again.

Then, I heard the only useful piece of information I’ve ever heard from Martha Stewart — Use pillowcases as bags to store sheet sets. And for all the visual learners (and because my husband is on the road and I have n-o-t-h-i-n-g to do):

First, our pillowcase (I love Mater all wrinkled)

Second, here are the top and bottom sheets

Next, stack the top and bottom sheets and place (push/shove/stuff) them in the pillowcase.

Voila! Bag o’ sheet set!

AND, as though that wasn’t enough to delight me, I can also use random extra pillowcases to store sets of towels. It’s very handy for me to have matching bath towel, hand towel, and wash cloth together for guests.

Definitely works for me! Hop over to Shannon’s for more GREAT tips!

Clearing the cobwebs

WOW…. It’s July 22nd!

How did that happen?  Where did these weeks go?  And YAY!!!! It’s time for back to school!!!!!  Do you remember the movie You’ve Got Mail?  The smell of sharpened pencils… ahhhh.

I’m ready to start school, both teaching classes and homeschooling.  I’m ready.  It just feels like we *need* a schedule.  Things have been higgly-piggly for the summer (as well they should be) so the idea of being in a smooth groove of direct productivity is *exciting*.

Homeschooling does intimidate me this year; LittleBit is now a First grader and I have to report and there’s lots of accountability and I’m just feeling the pinch of “ought to.”  I was praying last night, asking God one more time about buying a boxed curriculum.  There is something h-u-g-e-l-y comforting in worksheets to check off and premade tests to score.  But I *know* that we’ve been led to exactly what our children benefit most from.  (oh no.  I ended in a preposition.  What was I thinking of?  hahaha)

We had been “using” AmblesideOnline — and I still HEARTILY recommend it — when we discovered Simply Charlotte Mason.  Wow — for us, it made a *world* of difference.  I had the pleasure of attending one of Sonya Schafer’s all day workshops and OH MY — suddenly, Charlotte Mason is do-able!  It really was enlightening and encouraging.  And it totally confirmed that for LittleBit and LittleMan, this was the right method.

All of that history to tell you that I am hopeful.   Hopeful.  Yep, that’s the word for this school year.  There is much to be accomplished and much to enjoy, and I am Hopeful.  And we know that Hope does not disappoint us.

Jesus, thank You for Hope.  For fresh starts, new challenges, clear vision, and sweet Communion with You.  I love You, LORD!  I don’t deserve You, but oh how I love You!  Amen.