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If you’ve read The Shack then you know about Sophia’s piercingly accurate cost analysis of our independence. While I am not here to discuss The Shack (that’s another post entirely), I will tell you that I’ve never considered my independence my primary sin problem.
I think I do now.
It should not surprise me. In Jeremiah 2:12-14, God says,
“My people have committed two sins:
They have forsaken me,
the spring of living water,
and have dug their own cisterns,
broken cisterns that cannot hold water.”
My bff and I were just discussing that verse a handful of days ago in the context of what we could manufacture in and of our own effort and what He can do in and through our lives. So you see, even before I picked up The Shack, the Holy Spirit had already begun working on my selfishness. Because, really, that’s what independence in its purest sense really is — all about self.
I bring this up tonight because it’s 9:47pm and I am getting ready to go to bed. You heard me right, I’m getting ready to go to bed. Now, I’d much, *much* rather stay up and watch a movie with my husband and discuss politics and oh wait… I sorta lied… I don’t really want to discuss politics, but I like talking to Darren and he sure likes discussing politics these days. Alas, I digress… I would love to stay up.
But I’ve tasted the freedom of a normal day.
And I like it. So I’m going to bed at 10pm.
Go to Biblegateway.com and do a search on the word “yoke.” Do you see it? We all wear a yoke. A-L-L. And Lamentations 3:27 says it’s good that we bear it while we’re young — in other words, it’s good to get used to it. And Jesus said to take His yoke upon us for His yoke is easy and His burden is light. And in Ezekiel 30 and 34 God promises to break the cruel yokes that His people were bowed under. But we are to make no mistake — it was not so they might be yoke free.
We are NEVER yoke free.
(unless we are an egg)
The truth is that God designed good works for us to do before the beginning of time. And He provided the means to accomplish them and be refreshed as we work — for He is the Fount of Living Water.
But too often, I have decided that I don’t “need” to do God’s work — I have an agenda of my own, thank-you-very-much. I mean, I’m a good Baptist and all, so I do love me some ministry (especially when it comes in a casserole dish). But my list of to-do’s has so often looked more appealing than His.
I picked up my shovel and started digging. And my cistern was wide and deep and reminiscent of an Olympic pool. But no matter how much water I threw in — the work *I* could do, the work *others* thought was worthy, the work *He* must surely be impressed with — it didn’t stay.
And ironically enough, after 3 days of intense housecleaning, my home looked AMAZING but returned to complete frustrating disaster after The Big Event (oh, just pick one). And my Beautifully-Graded-and-Filed-Papers-Entered-in-the-Computer-then-Handed-Back? Yeah, those were fine, but I struggled through the next five stacks because I was mentally exhausted from the over the top way I’d handled those first seven. And we had done three amazingly intricate projects during homeschooling that day, but there was a GI-Stinkin’-Nor-Mous mess left to clean up and *no* clue how to tie them all in for tomorrow.
Fortunately, God didn’t leave me in all that mess. He pulled me out of my now rough-hewn mudpit of a cistern and washed me in His Living Waters. And showed me a whole new way to handle things — you know, the things that matter most, the things He designed for me to do.
The yoke He designed for me to wear, with His strength.
Yeah, I’d like the freedom to stay up, sleep in, lounge around, do nothing.
But see, I’d also like the freedom of knowing that I am impacting my children’s future, and that means I need to be prepared for homeschooling tomorrow because it’s the most intentional time I spend laughing and talking and learning with them.
I’d love the freedom to truly meet with God in the morning before anything else happens, really study the Bible and “dig in” in His presence and hear Him speak to me in the Spirit’s still small voice, so I’m going to get the coffee ready tonight and get some sweet sleep.
I’d also like the freedom of saying, “Why don’t you all just come over here for dinner?”, and that means I need to have a few minutes each day this week to pick up, put up, and redesign areas of the house.
I’d like the freedom of going to Starbucks with friends which means I need to spend some time playing with my angels individually and hanging out with my husband so that they’re getting the attention they need.
And, I’d like the freedom to have a class discussion about the literature we’re reading, so I’m going to make sure my papers and grades are handled so there’s flexibility to talk in class.
Yep, I’ve tasted freedom. TRUE freedom is the ability, the strength, and the wisdom to do all that my heart has been called to do.
Because THAT is delight!!!! Doing what my heart desires, THAT IS DELIGHT!!!!
So, if daily delight means an earlier bedtime, I’m ok with that. If laughing at the days to come like my friend in Proverbs 31 means missing some tv and a little “me” time, that is way-o-k.
What a DELICIOUS life!!!! To think that at the end of a week I could honestly say that I had accomplished the things He created my heart to do — the things I *long* to accomplish — and in His strength, under the stream of His refreshment, without striving or resentment, oh yes!!! It is WORTH the cost of fewer minutes of “freedom” in the evenings.
So, my friends, I am -happily- off to bed. It’s a good day… 
Life is messy. Didja know that?
Fingerprints and overwritten files. Spilled milk and scratched CDs. Forty flavors of ice cream, three running down my 5yo’s chin.
Messy, I tell you.
And for the past, oh… let’s see… EVER! that has been a source of tremendous frustration for me. According to Dr. Kevin Leman, I am a Discouraged Perfectionist. Having been rasied an only child, I like things to be the way the ought to be (never mind the Everest-sized expecations that carries), and if I can’t have them that way, I often won’t attempt. But I won’t long be satisfied with not attempting, so I’ll throw myself into a flurry of effort to finally achieve — cue the choir — PERFECTION. It’s shiny, it’s beautiful, it’s seamless, it’s organized, it’s PERFECT.
Then life resumes.
Messy, messy life.
You can imagine my frustration. And my motivation to throw myself into any more flurries of effort.
But God has a way of taking the frustration of my flesh and pushing it aside like stray hairs hiding furrowed brows. And over the past few weeks, He has taken me on quite a ride. And so, like Paul, I am learning to boast A-L-L the more gladly in this particular weakness, because His power is *SO VERY MUCH* at work in it!!!!!
Over the summer, we ordered the Maxwell’s package of all resources, including Managers of Their Homes. Fortuitously, I had stumbled on Titus2.com two years ago and there, Managers of Their Homes. I can remember seeing it, reading the description, and it was almost like hearing God saying, “Welllll????” I remember thinking, “That would be really nice — in a couple of years.”
Did I mention that I don’t like trying things I can’t do perfectly? yeah, ok, moving on.
In May, a good friend told me she’d found an amazing resource at the homeschool convention; it allowed her to schedule her whole family and use these sticky-tab things to do it, and she couldn’t wait to really use it. She pulls out the book and I thought, “That looks familiar.” So I wrote down the title and the website.
You can imagine my expression when I arrived at Titus2.com. I laughed out loud. The duck-billed platapus and these random moments in my life — my LORD has a great sense of humor!!!
Once we got our box of resources, I read the entire book and had prayed & started my initial activity lists in less than four days. I was intimidated, no doubt, because I am not a schedule kind of girl. I am a let’s-not-plan-anything-but-expect-we’ll-get-lots-done-anyway kind of girl.
You can imagine how well that system generally works.
I got the leg work behind the schedule done, but hesitated to begin putting it together. I was *literally* afraid. Afraid that there wasn’t actually enough time to do all that needed to be done, afraid that our basic family rhythm would be forcibly and irrevocably altered. Afraid that I would fail, miserably, as I had with schedules before.
Afraid. And then I got strep throat.
Since Darren was on the road, a truly amazing friend took my angels for a couple of days so I could recover. During one of my “Oh! Hey! I feel human!” moments, God completely convicted me to put the schedule together. I thought of fifteen reasons why I couldn’t/shouldn’t/wouldn’t, but His Spirit was so very, very clear for me to do it.
And now I know why.
The pieces flew onto the schedule more quickly than I imagined. The kids didn’t need to get up at the crack of dawn (aka “bed time” some days) and I could have a set “get up” time to spend with the LORD and start the day before everyone else is up. It was DO-ABLE.
And it’s been do-able. Yes, there have been days I’ve fallen back asleep after my quiet time. Yes, I had to postpone a math lesson today because I didn’t get it prepped the night before. But you know what? That’s ok. Those aren’t my ideal, but they’re not the end of my day, either. And — get ready for this — I had family over for LittleMan’s birthday with a disorganized house. That’s right — no all-day cleaning binge to make everything open-house perfect, just “hey, ya’ll come!” and a big deep breath.
Why am I sharing all this house organization blathering here? Because for so very, very long, I genuinely believed that if I couldn’t do it or be it flawlessly, then I couldn’t do it. Rather, I didn’t want to do it. Keeping a home is at the top of my list of failure-fears.
And suddenly, His freedom in this struggle is real — He didn’t expect me to be perfect, He’s in the process of perfecting me. It’s not an excuse for sin, it’s an exercise in Truth. What if God didn’t like dealing with imperfection? What if He expected that *everything* we did was right the first time? What if He only tried once with us?
Oh how GRATEFUL I am that He isn’t like that! And I’m grateful that He’s finally shown me the joy of being a work in progress instead of the ever striving ball of frustration. I’m messy. Life is messy. Even when everything looks perfect, smudges happen. Clay on the wheel has to be wet; it slings mud. A pottery wheel not a well-oiled machine, it’s covered in all the base elements that combine to form vessels. How much more our lives.
I’m probably not landing this plane well. I’ve rambled so long to get A-L-L this thinking out that I’ve lost my target (but since I don’t know when I’ll get back to blog again, I wanted to get it A-L-L written!). Suffice it to say that His Grace abounds, and I am GRATEFUL!!!!
oh… and I am tired…. Goodnight!
After dinner last night, I took a walk around our neighborhood. I was all abuzz because I had spent the afternoon after school planning and prepping and stressing and excited about our first “real” day of school today. I listened to Downhere and did a lot of sighing to begin with (and not because I’m out of shape, thank-you-very-much). Mainly, I was thinking through all I thought needed to be done to get it all done.
And then “Little is Much” came on.
What is the measure of a life well lived
If all I can offer seems too small to give
This is a song for the weaker, the poorer
And so-called failures
Little is much when God’s in it
And no one can fathom the plans He holds
Little is much when God’s in it
He changes the world with the seeds we sow
Little is much, little is much
Who feels tired and under-qualified
Who feels deserted, and hung out to dry
This is a song for the broken, the beat-up
And so-called losers
Consider the Kingdom in the smallest seed
Consider that giants fall to stones and slings
Consider a child in a manger
Consider the story isn’t over
What can be done with what you still have?”
Tired and underqualified… consider the Kingdom in the smallest seeds….
What *is* the measure of a life well-lived when all I can offer feels… so… small?
And then, Truth. Anything He gives me to do, He equips me to do. And frankly, anything I do would be a vast improvement over the nothing much of the past few weeks. (anything)
And then, more Truth. As I looked up from the street, it dawned on me that I am living my own dream — we live in a great neighborhood, thick trees, sloping streets, lots of families. And in my own very-much-larger than I ever imagined house, a husband who loves me, whom I trust implicitly, who makes me laugh and makes great eggs. And two *beautiful* children who take my breath away. My whole life was a dress rehearsal for them and nothing compares to being with them.
My dream.
It’s here… and I *saw it* yesterday. What a GIFT!!!!!!!
Let me tell you how I praised on the way home! And let me tell you how beautifully hope-filled this year is for me! Yes, there is work to be done; yes, there will be some “Whew!” moments; but I am *not* alone. He who called me is faithful and HE will bring it to pass.
God Himself knit my children together knowing exactly what they needed and what they were called to, so He prepared good works in advance for me to do. Homeschooling is one of those, and by His strength, I am able. Walking beside my daughter in a Titus 2 relationship is a breath taking responsibility, but I can rejoice in my weakness because He does ALL things well. Guiding my son to be a follower of Jesus in radical ways is beyond my comprehension, but whether I look to the left or to the right, I hear His voice behind me saying, “this is the way, walk ye in it.”
I am *so grateful* for His Truth! I am *so grateful* to see all that I’ve been given, and recognize what a GIFT it all is!
Lord Jesus, You are so humbling and so beautiful. *Thank You* for being strong and loving, thank You that all my children will be taught by the LORD and great will be my children’s peace because YOU are FAITHFUL! I love you, Lord; I don’t deserve You, but I love You so.
Amen.
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